Is your kilt off kilter?

In recent years the male Scottish national dress has gained international popularity amongst men who often have no Hibernian connections at all.

High etiquette demands that the kilt and accessories should be restricted to true Scots - or at least to those with Scottish or Gaelic origins. But as this rule is increasingly ignored, a few words of guidance may be deemed necessary.

It is important that the correct accessories are worn with the kilt according to occasion. A Prince Charlie jacket and dress sporran would be right for a wedding for example, while a tweed jacket and leather sporran would be right for roaming in the gloaming.

It is vital to get the kilt length right. It should be high waisted with the hem on the knee. Too long will make you look like your Great Aunt Maude, too short will invite wolf whistles - or worse in the streets of Glasgow.

The question of underwear always arises in connection with kilts - particularly if the hem is likely to elevate as a result of a vigorous reel or strong northerly wind in the Trossachs.

Traditionally nothing was worn beneath the kilt - an embarrassing and even frightening experience if you happened to be following a Scotsman up a ladder. Nowadays, in our litigious society, there is greater sensitivity to offence, so precautions need to be taken.

Any form of underwear is theoretically acceptable, although frills and bright colours are to be avoided if there is even the slightest chance of exposure. A stoutly sewn pair of thick canvas briefs is probably the safest undergarment for those who wish to cut a dash, yet retain the respect of their peers.

The shadow of your smile

It goes without saying that a smile is the universal welcome, and at the heart of manners and courtesy all around the world.

 

The trouble is that we are all different, and one man's smile could turn out to be another man's grimace.

 

I once knew a man who had a perpetual hangdog expression, and when he smiled it looked like a sneer. This led to all kinds of trouble, especially in pubs, where he was arrested for inadvertently causing violent fights on several occasions. All the worse as he was vicar.

 

A woman friend has a nervous tic which causes her sometimes to giggle with a clucking sound when she smiles. This caused great embarrassment when she was introduced to a member of the Royal family visiting her place of work.

 

The visiting duchess's customary pleasantry was greeted by a forced smile and convulsive clucking noises. The situation was only saved by an equerry who stepped in and directed the royal gaze out of a nearby window to an fascinating skip full of building debris.

 

Some people are by nature wild-eyed. This twinkle can project both fun and passion but if it is coupled with a slightly twisted smile, may give the appearance of being a psychopathic killer. Such people must be very careful with their smiles and above all never raise their right arm in what could be construed as a repetitive stabbing action.

 

The shadow of our smiles may colour people's dreams - but they may also tint our  nightmares. There is little we can do about "real" smiles, but if we have to make forced and formal ones it is a good idea to check them out in the mirror and test them on a friend.