The shadow of your smile

It goes without saying that a smile is the universal welcome, and at the heart of manners and courtesy all around the world.

 

The trouble is that we are all different, and one man's smile could turn out to be another man's grimace.

 

I once knew a man who had a perpetual hangdog expression, and when he smiled it looked like a sneer. This led to all kinds of trouble, especially in pubs, where he was arrested for inadvertently causing violent fights on several occasions. All the worse as he was vicar.

 

A woman friend has a nervous tic which causes her sometimes to giggle with a clucking sound when she smiles. This caused great embarrassment when she was introduced to a member of the Royal family visiting her place of work.

 

The visiting duchess's customary pleasantry was greeted by a forced smile and convulsive clucking noises. The situation was only saved by an equerry who stepped in and directed the royal gaze out of a nearby window to an fascinating skip full of building debris.

 

Some people are by nature wild-eyed. This twinkle can project both fun and passion but if it is coupled with a slightly twisted smile, may give the appearance of being a psychopathic killer. Such people must be very careful with their smiles and above all never raise their right arm in what could be construed as a repetitive stabbing action.

 

The shadow of our smiles may colour people's dreams - but they may also tint our  nightmares. There is little we can do about "real" smiles, but if we have to make forced and formal ones it is a good idea to check them out in the mirror and test them on a friend.

The Three Graces

The idea of grace is rooted deep in the heart of most cultures – although it is surprisingly hard to pin down precisely what it means.

Think about it long enough and you’ll probably come up with a definition that includes beauty, elegance, benevolence, joy and goodness. Not surprising then that it is cherished as one of the highest of human and divine qualities – and the foundation upon which most etiquette and manners are built.

In ancient Greek mythology there were Three Graces – the daughters of Zeus, the king of the gods. Their status could hardly have been much higher, and they bought charm, mirth and beauty to the lives of all around them.

They have become the subject of countless works of art across the centuries, most famously in paintings by Raphael and Rubens.

And many a Victorian living room or parlour boasted a small marble statuette of the Three Graces. They served as a symbol of the fine and mannered gentility to which the owner aspired – and also in their voluptuous nudity, of a possibly repressed and unsublimated eroticism! The link is more than coincidental since even in mediaeval times a knight would demonstrate courtly grace in the hope of gaining a lady’s favours.

For all the fine ideas and sentiments embodied in the Three Graces, they might just boil down to three basic human activities – giving, receiving and returning in a way that brings pleasure all round. And that in turn is what manners and etiquette are all about.

Its child’s play really – and certainly was a hundred years ago. A popular Christmas or birthday present was a game called “The Three Graces”. Unsurprisingly there was no nudity involved – just the ability to flip hoops at each other and catch them on thin sticks.

Quite how much it actually did to engender grace is questionable. But at the very least the players would learn to be magnanimous in victory and graceful in defeat.

Kate Middleton and the perils of etiquette

Do you bow, curtsey or ignore an oriental potentate? Do you look them in the eye or avert your gaze?

 

Not questions that are posed for most of us every day, but certainly the kind of thing that Kate Middleton is having to contemplate as she prepares to become Princess Catherine.

Prince William's bride-to-be is reportedly on a full etiquette and manners course designed to equip her for the royal life.
 

It's the little things that make all the difference. A curtsey is not just a curtsey. Not enough knee movement and the foreign royal might be insulted - too much and they could be shocked - not to mention all the courtiers looking on from behind.

 

Even a handshake can cause offence if wrongly - dare I say it - handled. Too firm and with too much eye contact could cause a diplomatic incident. Too weak and deferential could mean a blow to national prestige.

 

One of the golden rules for Kate is to keep her knees together when sitting down. This rule must however be relaxed when standing up - otherwise it gives the impression of disability or worse - incontinence.
 

Kate will be sitting through thousands of banquets as a princess. And it is not down to whether she can balance her peas on her knife. The opportunities for mortal embarrassment and loss of face are manifold.
 

Wrong glass, wrong knife, wrong spoon, wrong fork - all can mean disaster. It is no good relying on the waiters and in most cases the host will be too polite to say anything. But that doesn't stop them thinking.
 

And if served up with a bulging sheep's eye, Kate will have to know how to tackle it. Winking back at it isn't enough.
 

And one more thing - if she's handed a bunch of grapes she must not be tempted to pluck one out. She should ask for the grape scissors and extract her own mini-bunch.