The Wayward Wind

As the song says, the wayward wind is a restless wind - and a wind that loves to wander.

Flatulence, sadly, is one of the prices we pay for good living. Be you ever so high or ever so low, it will stalk you like a thief in the night. But it is the daytime attacks which are potentially most embarrassing and destructive to decorum.

A degree of sang-froid is always the order of the day. There is a great temptation to conceal a belch behind an explosion of coughing. This seldom works, and simply attracts attention to the guilty party. Other distraction techniques such as pushing over a nearby old lady, or shouting “ Help - Murder!” will have the same effect. Best to do nothing except possibly to look around with annoyance at some imaginary perpetrator.

The "lower level" wind outbreak is easier to deal with by simply ignoring it. There is after all, no visual indication, of the guilty party. And the sound could indeed have been produced by a creaking door, floorboard or angry animal in a nearby room.

In the case of a silent but malodorous windbreak, one can look around in a mildly perplexed way and observe something on the lines of "I wasn't aware there was a pig farm near here. How ever did they get planning permission?"

If an imminent wind is in the offing, best to avoid bodily postures which could assist in its escape. These include bowing and kneeling on one knee. Gentlemen should therefore choose their moment for a formal proposal of marriage. Those due to be knighted by the Queen can but hope for the best and be secure in the knowledge that the sovereign will act accordingly and not dissolve in screams of  laughter should flatulence strike. The same can not always be said for courtiers, however.

It is recorded that at one of these occasions, Queen Victoria herself inadvertently broke wind. Quick thinking, as ever, she turned to a footman and barked “Stop that!”. The footman responded:”Certainly Maam – in which direction did it go?”

In some countries, although certainly not in Britain, an exhibition of flatulence is used to communicate appreciation of a good meal. And the host may respond accordingly. It is an ill wind that blows nobody any good.

Getting a grip on the handshake

In some cultures they bow to each other, in some they rub noses, in some they just smile, but in Britain people shake hands when they are introduced or simply meeting up again.

It's easy. Just extend your right hand and take hold of the extended right hand of the person you are being introduced to. Shake it firmly but lightly and then withdraw the hand.

Clutching at the hand too quickly is to be avoided. It could alarm your opposite number, or worse result in your hand missing altogether and striking a karate-like blow to their groin. This would be a bad start to the relationship - unless of course the person is a black-belt and welcomes the unexpected practice (in which they will undoubtedly triumph).

It is best not to grasp with a vice-like grip. This can cause pain and may even result in a fight. Conversely, avoid the "wet-fish" handshake which implies that you are either weak, untrustworthy or sporting a poorly constructed prosthetic limb made of polythene jelly.

The actual shaking of the hand must be moderate. You do not wish to give the impression of suffering from some disease, or appearing to barely control an immense inner anger which might suddenly unleash itself on your new friend.

While shaking the hand you can smile and say "How do you do" or "Good to make your acquaintance". Don't however say this if you already know the person. If you accidentally do so, clutch at your chest, roll your eyes and say something to the effect of "These tablets are doing me no good at all".

Some word needs to be said about secret Masonic handshakes. These are special ritual greetings which should only be used by Masons. Attempting to gain social advantage by pretending to be Grand Master of the Lodge would result in having your tongue torn out by the roots, and your body buried in the rough sands of the sea at low-water mark. However you might just get away with a sound ticking off.

The concept of the good handshake is not difficult to grasp - smile, reach, clasp and shake. But remember to confine the shake to the hand - do not it extend to the entire body unless you are in a noisy night club.

Is your kilt off kilter?

In recent years the male Scottish national dress has gained international popularity amongst men who often have no Hibernian connections at all.

High etiquette demands that the kilt and accessories should be restricted to true Scots - or at least to those with Scottish or Gaelic origins. But as this rule is increasingly ignored, a few words of guidance may be deemed necessary.

It is important that the correct accessories are worn with the kilt according to occasion. A Prince Charlie jacket and dress sporran would be right for a wedding for example, while a tweed jacket and leather sporran would be right for roaming in the gloaming.

It is vital to get the kilt length right. It should be high waisted with the hem on the knee. Too long will make you look like your Great Aunt Maude, too short will invite wolf whistles - or worse in the streets of Glasgow.

The question of underwear always arises in connection with kilts - particularly if the hem is likely to elevate as a result of a vigorous reel or strong northerly wind in the Trossachs.

Traditionally nothing was worn beneath the kilt - an embarrassing and even frightening experience if you happened to be following a Scotsman up a ladder. Nowadays, in our litigious society, there is greater sensitivity to offence, so precautions need to be taken.

Any form of underwear is theoretically acceptable, although frills and bright colours are to be avoided if there is even the slightest chance of exposure. A stoutly sewn pair of thick canvas briefs is probably the safest undergarment for those who wish to cut a dash, yet retain the respect of their peers.