Flatulence, sadly, is one of the prices we pay for good living. Be you ever so high or ever so low, it will stalk you like a thief in the night. But it is the daytime attacks which are potentially most embarrassing and destructive to decorum.
A degree of sang-froid is always the order of the day. There is a great temptation to conceal a belch behind an explosion of coughing. This seldom works, and simply attracts attention to the guilty party. Other distraction techniques such as pushing over a nearby old lady, or shouting “ Help - Murder!” will have the same effect. Best to do nothing except possibly to look around with annoyance at some imaginary perpetrator.
The "lower level" wind outbreak is easier to deal with by simply ignoring it. There is after all, no visual indication, of the guilty party. And the sound could indeed have been produced by a creaking door, floorboard or angry animal in a nearby room.
In the case of a silent but malodorous windbreak, one can look around in a mildly perplexed way and observe something on the lines of "I wasn't aware there was a pig farm near here. How ever did they get planning permission?"
If an imminent wind is in the offing, best to avoid bodily postures which could assist in its escape. These include bowing and kneeling on one knee. Gentlemen should therefore choose their moment for a formal proposal of marriage. Those due to be knighted by the Queen can but hope for the best and be secure in the knowledge that the sovereign will act accordingly and not dissolve in screams of laughter should flatulence strike. The same can not always be said for courtiers, however.
It is recorded that at one of these occasions, Queen Victoria herself inadvertently broke wind. Quick thinking, as ever, she turned to a footman and barked “Stop that!”. The footman responded:”Certainly Maam – in which direction did it go?”
In some countries, although certainly not in Britain, an exhibition of flatulence is used to communicate appreciation of a good meal. And the host may respond accordingly. It is an ill wind that blows nobody any good.
