The Wayward Wind

As the song says, the wayward wind is a restless wind - and a wind that loves to wander.

Flatulence, sadly, is one of the prices we pay for good living. Be you ever so high or ever so low, it will stalk you like a thief in the night. But it is the daytime attacks which are potentially most embarrassing and destructive to decorum.

A degree of sang-froid is always the order of the day. There is a great temptation to conceal a belch behind an explosion of coughing. This seldom works, and simply attracts attention to the guilty party. Other distraction techniques such as pushing over a nearby old lady, or shouting “ Help - Murder!” will have the same effect. Best to do nothing except possibly to look around with annoyance at some imaginary perpetrator.

The "lower level" wind outbreak is easier to deal with by simply ignoring it. There is after all, no visual indication, of the guilty party. And the sound could indeed have been produced by a creaking door, floorboard or angry animal in a nearby room.

In the case of a silent but malodorous windbreak, one can look around in a mildly perplexed way and observe something on the lines of "I wasn't aware there was a pig farm near here. How ever did they get planning permission?"

If an imminent wind is in the offing, best to avoid bodily postures which could assist in its escape. These include bowing and kneeling on one knee. Gentlemen should therefore choose their moment for a formal proposal of marriage. Those due to be knighted by the Queen can but hope for the best and be secure in the knowledge that the sovereign will act accordingly and not dissolve in screams of  laughter should flatulence strike. The same can not always be said for courtiers, however.

It is recorded that at one of these occasions, Queen Victoria herself inadvertently broke wind. Quick thinking, as ever, she turned to a footman and barked “Stop that!”. The footman responded:”Certainly Maam – in which direction did it go?”

In some countries, although certainly not in Britain, an exhibition of flatulence is used to communicate appreciation of a good meal. And the host may respond accordingly. It is an ill wind that blows nobody any good.

Getting a grip on the handshake

In some cultures they bow to each other, in some they rub noses, in some they just smile, but in Britain people shake hands when they are introduced or simply meeting up again.

It's easy. Just extend your right hand and take hold of the extended right hand of the person you are being introduced to. Shake it firmly but lightly and then withdraw the hand.

Clutching at the hand too quickly is to be avoided. It could alarm your opposite number, or worse result in your hand missing altogether and striking a karate-like blow to their groin. This would be a bad start to the relationship - unless of course the person is a black-belt and welcomes the unexpected practice (in which they will undoubtedly triumph).

It is best not to grasp with a vice-like grip. This can cause pain and may even result in a fight. Conversely, avoid the "wet-fish" handshake which implies that you are either weak, untrustworthy or sporting a poorly constructed prosthetic limb made of polythene jelly.

The actual shaking of the hand must be moderate. You do not wish to give the impression of suffering from some disease, or appearing to barely control an immense inner anger which might suddenly unleash itself on your new friend.

While shaking the hand you can smile and say "How do you do" or "Good to make your acquaintance". Don't however say this if you already know the person. If you accidentally do so, clutch at your chest, roll your eyes and say something to the effect of "These tablets are doing me no good at all".

Some word needs to be said about secret Masonic handshakes. These are special ritual greetings which should only be used by Masons. Attempting to gain social advantage by pretending to be Grand Master of the Lodge would result in having your tongue torn out by the roots, and your body buried in the rough sands of the sea at low-water mark. However you might just get away with a sound ticking off.

The concept of the good handshake is not difficult to grasp - smile, reach, clasp and shake. But remember to confine the shake to the hand - do not it extend to the entire body unless you are in a noisy night club.

Is your kilt off kilter?

In recent years the male Scottish national dress has gained international popularity amongst men who often have no Hibernian connections at all.

High etiquette demands that the kilt and accessories should be restricted to true Scots - or at least to those with Scottish or Gaelic origins. But as this rule is increasingly ignored, a few words of guidance may be deemed necessary.

It is important that the correct accessories are worn with the kilt according to occasion. A Prince Charlie jacket and dress sporran would be right for a wedding for example, while a tweed jacket and leather sporran would be right for roaming in the gloaming.

It is vital to get the kilt length right. It should be high waisted with the hem on the knee. Too long will make you look like your Great Aunt Maude, too short will invite wolf whistles - or worse in the streets of Glasgow.

The question of underwear always arises in connection with kilts - particularly if the hem is likely to elevate as a result of a vigorous reel or strong northerly wind in the Trossachs.

Traditionally nothing was worn beneath the kilt - an embarrassing and even frightening experience if you happened to be following a Scotsman up a ladder. Nowadays, in our litigious society, there is greater sensitivity to offence, so precautions need to be taken.

Any form of underwear is theoretically acceptable, although frills and bright colours are to be avoided if there is even the slightest chance of exposure. A stoutly sewn pair of thick canvas briefs is probably the safest undergarment for those who wish to cut a dash, yet retain the respect of their peers.

The shadow of your smile

It goes without saying that a smile is the universal welcome, and at the heart of manners and courtesy all around the world.

 

The trouble is that we are all different, and one man's smile could turn out to be another man's grimace.

 

I once knew a man who had a perpetual hangdog expression, and when he smiled it looked like a sneer. This led to all kinds of trouble, especially in pubs, where he was arrested for inadvertently causing violent fights on several occasions. All the worse as he was vicar.

 

A woman friend has a nervous tic which causes her sometimes to giggle with a clucking sound when she smiles. This caused great embarrassment when she was introduced to a member of the Royal family visiting her place of work.

 

The visiting duchess's customary pleasantry was greeted by a forced smile and convulsive clucking noises. The situation was only saved by an equerry who stepped in and directed the royal gaze out of a nearby window to an fascinating skip full of building debris.

 

Some people are by nature wild-eyed. This twinkle can project both fun and passion but if it is coupled with a slightly twisted smile, may give the appearance of being a psychopathic killer. Such people must be very careful with their smiles and above all never raise their right arm in what could be construed as a repetitive stabbing action.

 

The shadow of our smiles may colour people's dreams - but they may also tint our  nightmares. There is little we can do about "real" smiles, but if we have to make forced and formal ones it is a good idea to check them out in the mirror and test them on a friend.

The Three Graces

The idea of grace is rooted deep in the heart of most cultures – although it is surprisingly hard to pin down precisely what it means.

Think about it long enough and you’ll probably come up with a definition that includes beauty, elegance, benevolence, joy and goodness. Not surprising then that it is cherished as one of the highest of human and divine qualities – and the foundation upon which most etiquette and manners are built.

In ancient Greek mythology there were Three Graces – the daughters of Zeus, the king of the gods. Their status could hardly have been much higher, and they bought charm, mirth and beauty to the lives of all around them.

They have become the subject of countless works of art across the centuries, most famously in paintings by Raphael and Rubens.

And many a Victorian living room or parlour boasted a small marble statuette of the Three Graces. They served as a symbol of the fine and mannered gentility to which the owner aspired – and also in their voluptuous nudity, of a possibly repressed and unsublimated eroticism! The link is more than coincidental since even in mediaeval times a knight would demonstrate courtly grace in the hope of gaining a lady’s favours.

For all the fine ideas and sentiments embodied in the Three Graces, they might just boil down to three basic human activities – giving, receiving and returning in a way that brings pleasure all round. And that in turn is what manners and etiquette are all about.

Its child’s play really – and certainly was a hundred years ago. A popular Christmas or birthday present was a game called “The Three Graces”. Unsurprisingly there was no nudity involved – just the ability to flip hoops at each other and catch them on thin sticks.

Quite how much it actually did to engender grace is questionable. But at the very least the players would learn to be magnanimous in victory and graceful in defeat.

Kate Middleton and the perils of etiquette

Do you bow, curtsey or ignore an oriental potentate? Do you look them in the eye or avert your gaze?

 

Not questions that are posed for most of us every day, but certainly the kind of thing that Kate Middleton is having to contemplate as she prepares to become Princess Catherine.

Prince William's bride-to-be is reportedly on a full etiquette and manners course designed to equip her for the royal life.
 

It's the little things that make all the difference. A curtsey is not just a curtsey. Not enough knee movement and the foreign royal might be insulted - too much and they could be shocked - not to mention all the courtiers looking on from behind.

 

Even a handshake can cause offence if wrongly - dare I say it - handled. Too firm and with too much eye contact could cause a diplomatic incident. Too weak and deferential could mean a blow to national prestige.

 

One of the golden rules for Kate is to keep her knees together when sitting down. This rule must however be relaxed when standing up - otherwise it gives the impression of disability or worse - incontinence.
 

Kate will be sitting through thousands of banquets as a princess. And it is not down to whether she can balance her peas on her knife. The opportunities for mortal embarrassment and loss of face are manifold.
 

Wrong glass, wrong knife, wrong spoon, wrong fork - all can mean disaster. It is no good relying on the waiters and in most cases the host will be too polite to say anything. But that doesn't stop them thinking.
 

And if served up with a bulging sheep's eye, Kate will have to know how to tackle it. Winking back at it isn't enough.
 

And one more thing - if she's handed a bunch of grapes she must not be tempted to pluck one out. She should ask for the grape scissors and extract her own mini-bunch.

Manners Maketh Man

 

Generally speaking, the more well-mannered people are, the more civilised and pleasant everyday life is. ‘It is by politeness, etiquette and charity that society is saved from falling into a heap of savagery,’ so said William of Wykeham.

William of Wykeham

‘Manners Makyth Man’ was the original motto of William of Wykeman, (1324-1404). William was the Bishop of Winchester; Chancellor of England; founder of Winchester College, New College, Oxford; New College School, Oxford and the builder of a large part of Windsor Castle.

William was born to a poor family in Hampshire and educated at school in Winchester. He had an illustrious career working as an architectural advisor for King Edward III, being appointed as Lord Privy Seal in 1363 and later being elected Bishop of Winchester and in 1367, Chancellor of England.

By the time of his death on 27 September 1404, William of Wykeham was one of the richest men in England with much of his wealth going to schools he patronised.

‘Manners Maketh Man’ is now the motto of the establishments which Wykeham founded; Winchester College and New College, Oxford. It is also the essay that I was forced to write for the one and only ever detention I received at school. I knew it would come in handy one day!